I knew the friendship was changing when I started editing my own messages

Dear Delyara, I didn’t notice it all at once. I don’t think anyone ever does. At first it was a delayed reply here, a flatter tone there, a missed call not returned, plans made more vaguely, the sort of small changes you can excuse if you still want to believe in the old closeness. But eventually something else began happening inside me: I started editing myself before I pressed send. Shorter messages. Less enthusiasm. Fewer truths. Less reaching. I was trying to protect myself from the chill before I admitted the weather had changed. That is how I knew. Not when she failed me in one dramatic scene. Not when some obvious betrayal gave me permission to be angry. I knew because I had started becoming emotionally economical with someone I used to be generous with. I knew because warmth had become risky enough to budget. There is grief in that kind of friendship ending. It is a slow grief, and I think that makes it harder.