I know the friendship is hurting me when I start feeling relief instead of warmth

Dear Delyara, Relief when plans get cancelled. Relief when the conversation stays shallow. Relief when I don’t have to reply straight away. Relief when her name comes up and I realise I don’t have the energy to perform what the friendship used to be. That is such a sad thing to admit. Because it means the connection is no longer giving ease. It’s giving pressure. And if I am honest, I think I stay too long in that stage out of memory and guilt and loyalty, hoping it will somehow turn back into what it was without the discomfort of anyone having to name the loss. It rarely does.