I know what it means to want relief more than I want the consequences of the relief

Dear Delyara, I think that’s one of the hardest truths about addiction of any kind. Whether it’s a substance, a screen, a pattern, an emotional habit, a person, a ritual — the wanting is rarely about pleasure alone. It is often about interruption. About silence in the wrong place. About turning down the volume of something inside that will not otherwise stop speaking. I understand that pull more than I wish I did. Even when I don’t fully give in to it, I understand it.