I laughed too loudly at dinner because I didn’t want anyone to ask what was wrong

Dear Delyara, There’s a version of me that gets brighter when I’m not okay. Not warmer. Brighter. More animated, more quick, more “fine” than I really am. It’s an old trick, and I still use it more than I want to admit. Last night at dinner I heard myself doing it. Too much energy in the laugh, too much effort in the tone, like I was trying to cover a crack with glitter. No one noticed. Or maybe they were kind enough not to say anything. Later, when I was brushing my teeth, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt tired in a way that had nothing to do with the day and everything to do with performance. It is exhausting to protect other people from the possibility that you might need gentleness.