I left the army and cannot decide what time to wake up

Dear Delyara, I served twenty-two years. For most of my adult life, time belonged to somebody else. Wake up, briefing, transport, meals, duties, lights out. Even days off existed because a schedule said I was permitted not to be somewhere. I left the Army six months ago. Everyone congratulated me on freedom. I cannot sleep past 5:00 a.m. At 5:10, I am dressed. By six, I have cleaned the kitchen, checked emails, and begun waiting for the day to assign me something. My wife works from home and says my pacing makes her anxious. My children are adults. Nobody needs me to inspect anything. I applied for three jobs I do not want because interviews at least give a date and time to prepare for. Yesterday, I spent forty minutes reorganizing a cupboard according to height. My wife found me and asked, gently, “What are you doing?” I said, “I don’t know.” That answer frightened me. People assume soldiers struggle because they miss danger or comradeship. I miss instructions. I miss waking with certainty that somewhere outside my body there is a correct place to stand.