I Let the Phone Ring Out

Dear Delyara, I saw the name. I knew I should answer. I also knew I had nothing gentle left to give. So I let it ring. And while it rang, I felt three things at once: relief, guilt, and a deep private tiredness that was older than the call itself. Because the truth is, I wasn’t only avoiding the person. I was avoiding becoming emotionally available in the exact shape they would need from me. It stopped. The silence after it stopped felt huge. I sat there staring at the screen, ashamed of how grateful I felt. Then ashamed of the shame. That’s how these evenings go sometimes.