I Lied to Her About the Price of the Groceries and the Guilt is Choking Me

Dear Delyara, She called me this evening before my shift started, her voice sounding so small and tired as she read out the balance from our household account. She asked why the supermarket bill was so high this week, and instead of telling her the truth—instead of admitting that the prices of basic things have gone up so much that I had to use our emergency cash just to buy cheese and bread—I lied. I snapped at her and told her she must have misread the statement, that she was worrying over nothing, and that I didn't have time to audit pennies while I was working. I heard her breath catch on the other end of the line before she softly said, “Okay, I’m sorry,” and hung up. I sat there in the dark with the phone in my lap, my stomach turning over with a self-loathing so violent it made me feel physically sick. I am turning into a bully to hide my own failure. I am shouting at the only person who loves me because I am too proud to look her in the eye and say: “I am losing, and I don't know how to protect us anymore.”