I Listen to My Body Too Hard

Dear Delyara, Every ache carries history now. Every change gets attention it didn’t used to get. Every strange sensation opens a door in my mind that I don’t want opened. Once health has frightened you properly, your body stops being neutral territory. It becomes a site of interpretation. And interpretation is exhausting. I miss innocence in my own skin. I miss not attaching story to every tired day. I miss being able to feel something and not immediately wonder what it means for the future. That kind of listening is not care anymore. It is fear. And I know the difference. I just don’t yet know how to stop.