I Looked at the Number and Stayed in My Chair

Dear Delyara, Usually I bolt. Not physically, but emotionally. I check the balance, my body surges, I get up to wipe the counter or move the laundry or refill the dog bowl — anything to make it look like I’m still functioning while the panic reorganizes the whole room inside me. This time I stayed seated. I looked at the number. Then I looked at the actual number, not the story around it. I wrote it down. I made a list. I breathed. I stayed. I know that sounds so basic. For me, it was not. It felt like refusing to abandon myself at the first sign of fear. That is a form of wealth I do not yet have enough of. Yesterday I had a little more.