I Looked at the Numbers Without Dissociating

Dear Delyara, That may be the least glamorous sentence I’ve ever been proud of. I sat at the table with a notebook and actually stayed in my body while looking at the bank account. I didn’t jump up to do dishes in the middle. I didn’t distract myself. I didn’t check one number and then leave the rest for some future version of me who would magically have more capacity. I stayed. That doesn’t sound brave until you understand how often fear makes me leave myself while dealing with money. I get vague. Floaty. Half-there. My body exits, and only the panic stays. This time my body stayed too. That felt enormous. Because I am tired of fear getting to inhabit my life more fully than I do.