I Made It Too Easy for People to Think I Was Fine

Dear Delyara, I know why I did it. Because I wanted dignity. Because I didn’t want to burden anyone. Because pain looks uglier when it is fully lit. Because I am good with words and that means I can often dress my own hurt in calm language before it reaches another person. But now I look back on so many years of saying “I’m okay” in tasteful tones and realize I helped write my own isolation. I translated too early. Softened too much. Protected everybody else from the size of what things were doing to me. And then I was hurt when they didn’t understand. That regret is not self-hatred. It is grief. Grief for how many times I chose elegance over rescue.