I miss being easy somewhere

Dear Delyara, A place where I don’t have to check my tone, reduce my feelings, manage my energy so carefully, or worry whether I’ve become too much or not enough. A friendship where my body can actually relax before I speak, not only after I leave. I’ve had that before. That’s why I know the absence of it so clearly. Now there are too many connections that still exist on paper but no longer feel easy in my nervous system. I stay out of loyalty longer than I should, and by the time I admit I’m tired inside them, part of the friendship is already gone. I miss ease more than I miss intensity. That feels like an adult truth.