I miss being easy with someone

Dear Delyara, That may be what I miss most. Not intensity. Not constant closeness. Ease. A friendship where I don’t have to edit the warmth, calculate the timing, wonder how much of myself is welcome, or feel relief when the conversation stays shallow enough not to cost me anything emotionally. I used to have that in a few places. Now I feel like too many of my connections require some form of self-management. That makes me lonely in a very adult way. Because technically I still have people. But the nervous system knows the difference between contact and ease. Mine misses ease badly.