I miss being understood before I explain myself

Dear Delyara, I’m tired of beginning from zero with my own humanity. This is why I sound flat. This is why I’m quiet. This is the kind of tired I mean. This is why “I’m fine” is not really fine today. This is why I can’t talk but still don’t want to be alone. I can explain all of that. I just miss not always having to. There is something very lonely about being surrounded by decent people and still not having enough emotional familiarity anywhere to arrive half-understood before the full speech begins. That is what I crave. Not more people. More accurate closeness.