I miss being understood halfway

Dear Delyara, I’m tired of always starting from zero. This is why I sound flat. This is the kind of tired I mean. This is why I’m quiet but not angry. This is why “fine” is not fine today. This is why I can’t do a long call. This is why I want company but not conversation. I can explain all of that if I have to. I just don’t want to have to every time. There is something deeply lonely about being surrounded by decent people and still not having enough emotional familiarity anywhere to arrive partly understood before the full explanation begins. I crave that kind of closeness more than I say.