I miss him most when he is kind

Dear Delyara, I left my partner after years of jealousy, insults, and control. The bad days made leaving necessary. The kind days make staying away difficult. He sends messages remembering small things: the tea I like, the date my mother died, the song we played on our first trip. He has started therapy and says he understands what he did. My friends tell me not to respond. The protection order does not forbid messages because I never asked for that condition. Last night, he wrote, “The moon looks the way it did in Galway.” I looked out the window and missed him so sharply that I felt ashamed. People talk about abusive relationships as though love disappears the moment harm becomes visible. Mine did not. That is why I stayed, why I left late, and why distance still feels like amputation instead of freedom. I cannot tell whether missing him means I am weak, manipulated, or simply grieving someone who was both tender and dangerous.