I miss my abusive father now that he is dying

Dear Delyara, My father abused us physically when we were children. I stopped speaking to him at twenty-six. I am forty-nine now. Yesterday, my sister said he is dying and may have days left. I thought I would feel relief. Instead, I have spent the night remembering him teaching me to fish, carrying me asleep from the car, peeling apples in one long strip. Those memories make me furious because they complicate the story I needed to survive. He was not violent every minute. That does not make the violence smaller. It somehow makes grief harder. My sister asks whether I want to see him. He has apparently asked for me. I do not know whether he wants forgiveness, absolution, or simply his child. I still feel like his child in ways I hate admitting. I am afraid that if I go, one weak hand reaching toward me will make me forget what those hands once did. I am afraid that if I do not go, death will create a permanent question I can never answer.