I miss one version of myself

Dear Delyara, Not a younger version exactly. A freer one. I miss the version of me who did not monitor everything so closely. Who didn’t think three steps ahead in every emotional interaction. Who didn’t expect disappointment before hope had even had a chance. Who still had a little more ease in her body. I know life changes people. I know some caution is wisdom. I know no one stays untouched. But there is grief in becoming more defended, even if it was necessary. Especially if it was necessary. Tonight I looked in the mirror and saw someone capable, tired, and careful. I’m grateful for the first thing. I’m sad about the third.