I miss the friendship before I started editing myself

Dear Delyara, I still speak to her. We are still “friends” in the formal way. The thread still exists, the history still exists, the occasional warmth still exists. But I am not natural there anymore. I check myself too much. I lower my emotional volume. I become careful with what I say and how quickly I say it. That means something has already changed. I don’t think all friendship endings are dramatic. Some of them are slow and quiet. They happen the moment you realise you no longer arrive as yourself, but as a version designed not to be too much. That is where the sadness really starts for me. Not in the silence. In the editing.