I Miss the Relief More Than the Thing

Dear Delyara, The truth is, I don’t always miss the thing itself. I miss the relief. I miss that first moment of emotional distance, that quick slide away from myself, that sense that the volume of life had been turned down for a while. I miss the false kindness of numbness. I miss the interruption of pain, even when I know the price was always delayed and larger than the comfort. That’s the hard thing to explain about addiction and recovery. It isn’t just about removing an object or a habit. It’s about grieving a strategy that once felt like mercy. Even when you know it was hurting you.