I miss wanting things without immediately staging a whole private meeting against myself

Dear Delyara, Every desire now walks into a room full of internal objections. Cost. Timing. Energy. Family. Age. Risk. Humiliation. Probability. Do I really want this, or do I just want a fantasy? Am I too tired to carry it? Too late? Too unrealistic? Too emotionally thin to survive becoming visible again? No wonder wanting has become heavy. I think disappointment does not only hurt once. It teaches desire to apologise for itself in advance. That is what I’m living with now. I do not need to become younger to want again. I need to become less ashamed of wanting while tired.