I miss who I was before I became careful

Dear Delyara, I saw an old photo tonight and felt something close to grief. Not because I looked younger. Because I looked more open. There was less defense in my face. Less caution around the eyes. A version of me that still seemed to expect warmth from the world before disappointment taught me to expect less. I don’t want to become naïve again. I know too much now. I just miss the emotional looseness of who I used to be before I learned to monitor everything so closely. Maybe this is what growing older means for some of us: becoming safer, but also sadder in certain ways.