I missed a version of myself that laughed more easily

Dear Delyara, I saw people laughing today in that unguarded, full-bodied way and felt something tighten in me. Not jealousy exactly. More like grief. I miss the version of me who used to arrive in moments more quickly, who was less delayed by self-awareness, less weighed down by inner commentary, less likely to stay half-watching herself even while participating. I still laugh. But sometimes it feels as though one part of me is always standing slightly outside the moment, observing. I miss being inside things faster.