I Missed Someone I Should Be Over

Dear Delyara, I missed someone tonight that I should probably be over by now. I know “should” is not a helpful word in grief or attachment or any of the messier emotional things, but it still showed up. It wasn’t even about wanting them back. It was more specific and more humiliating than that. I missed the way I felt when I thought I mattered to them. That’s harder to admit than missing the person. Because it means some part of my longing was never really for them. It was for a version of myself I got to be in their eyes.