I nearly filled the room with productivity to avoid being in it

Dear Delyara, The urge came fast. Tidy something. Fold something. Rearrange something. Make the room look more controlled than the inside of me feels. There is something seductive about visible order when your inner life feels unmade. But tonight I could feel that I did not want cleanliness. I wanted escape. That helped me stop. I think some of my productivity has not always been discipline. Sometimes it has been avoidance with excellent reputation. It’s painful to admit that, but also freeing.