I NEVER TOLD MY FATHER WHO I LOVED

Dear Delyara, My father died believing I was single. For twelve years, I brought my partner, Daniel, to family gatherings and introduced him as my friend from work. Daniel learned to laugh about it. He became excellent at standing one careful step away from me in photographs. My father liked him. That is what destroys me. He would ask when Daniel was coming for Christmas. He gave him an old fishing rod. Once, after too much whiskey, he told me, “That boy is loyal. Don’t lose a friend like that.” I almost told him then. I didn’t. At the funeral, Daniel sat three rows behind me because the front rows were “for family.” When they lowered my father into the ground, I wanted Daniel’s hand so badly I thought I might faint. But grief did not make me brave. I stood beside my relatives with my arms folded while the man I loved cried alone behind me. My father never rejected me. I rejected myself on his behalf. That is the part I cannot forgive.