I no longer know what I can lean on without first testing whether it will move beneath me

Dear Delyara, I thought adulthood would feel more stable than this. I thought by now there would be some solid floor under marriage, money, body, work, self, future. Instead, so much feels provisional. Health can change. Work can shift. Money can tighten. Relationships can thin quietly. Even my own mind feels less immediately reliable than I once expected it to be. I don’t mean I’m in constant crisis. I mean that certainty itself has become less available. And living with that much uncertainty changes you. It makes hope more cautious. Rest more complicated. Joy more conditional. You begin to brace without always noticing that you’re doing it. I am tired of bracing. I just don’t always know what would actually count as solid ground anymore.