I no longer know whether I miss her or I miss how I felt when she was still warm toward me

Dear Delyara, That question has unsettled me all week. Because those are not the same thing. One is longing for the actual person. The other is longing for the version of yourself that existed in the shelter of a certain type of friendship — easier, more spontaneous, less defended, more received. I think sometimes when friendships cool, we don’t only grieve the other person. We grieve the self that felt more alive inside that connection. Maybe that’s why this hurts as much as it does. It is not only her absence. It is a certain version of me becoming harder to reach.