I noticed how fast I apologize

Dear Delyara, I apologized twice today before anyone had even blamed me for anything. It was automatic. I don’t know when apology became my social reflex, but it’s everywhere in me. Sorry for asking. Sorry for not knowing. Sorry for needing more time. Sorry for the inconvenience. Sorry for having a body, a mood, a question, a limit, a preference. The speed of it unsettled me today. Because if I’m apologizing before anything has even gone wrong, then I’m not just reacting to people — I’m living from some older expectation that my presence might be too much unless I soften it first. That realization stayed with me longer than I wanted it to.