I noticed I had started hoping she wouldn’t reply too warmly

Dear Delyara, That was how I knew something had changed in me. Warmth should feel good. In healthy friendship, it does. But when a connection has become confusing or uneven, sometimes even kindness can feel stressful because it opens the possibility of renewed hope. And hope, when you no longer trust the pattern, becomes tiring. I saw one of her messages and realised I was relieved by its flatness because flatness required less from me emotionally. That made me sad immediately. I don’t think endings always announce themselves with drama. Sometimes they first appear as relief at reduced intimacy. That is its own kind of grief.