I panic when my baby cries behind a closed door

Dear Delyara, I spent six years in foster care. In one home, they locked me in a basement room when I cried at night. I am thirty-one now. I have a baby daughter. When she cries in her crib and the door is closed, something happens to my body. I stop hearing my daughter. I hear myself. I rush in so quickly that I hit furniture. Sometimes I pick her up before she is fully awake and hold her too tightly. My husband tells me babies need to learn to settle. He doesn’t understand that every second she cries alone feels like I am abandoning both of us. Last night, he closed the nursery door and said we needed sleep. I sat outside it on the floor for two hours, listening to the monitor, unable to move. My daughter was safe. I knew that. But the child inside me was not. She was still behind the basement door, waiting for someone to decide her crying mattered.