I prayed without using the words my former cult taught me

Dear Delyara, I left a high-control religious community at twenty-eight. For years afterward, prayer triggered fear because every phrase belonged to rules, punishment, and leaders who claimed access to God through obedience. A trauma-informed chaplain suggested I stop trying to pray correctly and begin with silence, movement, or one honest sentence. At first, I sat beside a river and said nothing. Later, I said, “I am angry.” Nothing struck me down. Over months, prayer became less like reporting to authority and more like noticing what was present. This morning, I watched light move across the kitchen floor and said, “Thank you for this day, even though I still do not understand you.” The words were mine. No leader had approved them. No doctrine followed. Spiritual growth did not return me to certainty or erase what religion had done. It allowed me to approach the sacred without abandoning my own mind at the entrance.