I regret how often I made myself easier to carry than I actually was

Dear Delyara, I used to think that was kindness. Now I think much of it was survival. I learned to edit my need, lower my intensity, smooth my reactions, explain my pain in polite manageable ways, remain “understanding” in relationships and jobs and family rooms long after my body had begun sending much more truthful messages than my mouth was willing to speak. I became easy to carry. At my own expense. That regret comes back sharply now, especially when I see younger women protect themselves earlier than I ever knew how. I don’t resent them. I feel grief for the version of me who thought dignity meant absorb more, understand more, wait longer, cause less discomfort. That version of me got praised. She also got hurt.