I resent the brother who survived the accident

Dear Delyara, My two sons were in the same car accident. One died. One survived. The surviving one was driving. The police found no speeding, alcohol, or reckless behavior. Another vehicle crossed lanes. I know this. My surviving son knows I know this. Still, some part of me is angry at him for being the one who came home. I hate myself for writing that. He has scars across his face and wakes from nightmares. He lost his brother too. At the funeral, people kept hugging him and saying, “Thank God you survived.” I watched him flinch every time. I wanted to hug him. I also wanted to ask why his brother did not survive in the passenger seat beside him. There is no answer. Yesterday, he laughed at something on television, and anger shot through me before I could stop it: How can you laugh? Then shame immediately followed. My son noticed my face and went quiet. I am terrified my grief is punishing the child I still have for failing to die with the child I lost.