I returned to prayer without asking for my son to be saved

Dear Delyara, After my son died by suicide, I stopped praying because every prayer felt like speaking to someone who had ignored mine. For four years, I avoided churches, religious language, and people who explained his death through plans or mysteries. A hospital chaplain I met during grief counselling never tried to defend God. She invited me to sit in silence and allowed anger to remain part of the room. Slowly, prayer changed. I stopped asking why, stopped bargaining for an answer, and began speaking one honest sentence at a time. This morning, I lit a candle and said my son’s name without asking for proof of heaven, forgiveness, or meaning. I simply said, “I love him, and I am still here.” Spiritual growth did not restore the certainty I once had. It made room for a faith that does not require me to call tragedy purposeful before I am allowed to enter. I left the candle burning while I made tea. For the first time, prayer felt less like searching for my son and more like refusing to abandon myself.