I sat outside my lecture hall and pretended to be on my phone

Dear Delyara, I’m a university student, and today I could not make myself go straight into the room. Everybody else was walking in normally, laughing, carrying coffee, looking like they belonged there. I sat on the bench outside with my phone in my hand so it looked like I was busy, but really I was trying to stop my heart from racing. I have been behind for weeks. Money is tight. I’m working evenings. I’m not sleeping properly. And every lecture now feels less like learning and more like trying not to be found out as the one who is quietly drowning. After five minutes, I got up and went in. I smiled at one girl I know. I opened my laptop. I took notes. From the outside, I was a normal student having a normal day. Inside, I felt like someone who was one email away from giving up.