I search my daughter’s body for bruises

Dear Delyara, I was abused by a family member when I was a child. Now my daughter is five, and every bath becomes an inspection. I look for bruises, redness, changes in behaviour, any sign that something has happened while she was outside my sight. She has begun asking why I stare. I tell her I am checking for rashes. Last week, she did not want to hug an uncle at a family gathering, and panic took over. I questioned her repeatedly in the car until she cried and said nothing had happened. My husband told me I was frightening her. He was right. I am trying to protect her from my past, but some days protection becomes another way my past enters her body. I have begun therapy again. Still, every ordinary bruise from the playground feels like a message I must decode correctly or fail her forever. My daughter deserves a mother who believes her and a childhood that is not constantly investigated. I do not yet know how to give her both.