I smiled through the school gate chat and felt miles away from myself

Dear Delyara, The other mothers were talking about normal things — after-school clubs, weather, prices, who’s gone where for half-term, one teacher everyone seems to have an opinion about. I answered, nodded, even laughed once at the right moment. From the outside, I was there. Inside, I wasn’t. I could feel how much distance there was between the version of me standing there in a decent coat saying ordinary things and the real version of me carrying money worry, tiredness, one unresolved work issue, and that constant low ache of trying to hold a family together while pretending you’re not fraying around the edges. That’s what I find hardest about adulthood sometimes. Not that it’s hard. That it can look so socially smooth while feeling privately jagged. I drove home afterward and thought, I spoke for fifteen minutes and still feel completely unaccompanied.