I Smiled Through the Whole Appointment

Dear Delyara, The nurse asked how I was, and I said, “I’m good.” Then the receptionist asked how my day was, and I said, “Busy, but good.” Then my sister texted, “Everything okay?” and I wrote back, “Yep.” Every answer was a lie, but not a dramatic lie. More like a well-practiced one. The truth was that I felt shaky all day. I wanted somebody to look at me closely and say, “You don’t seem okay.” But I kept smiling, and smiling is such a useful disguise. It saves everyone time. It keeps the room comfortable. It keeps me from having to explain why I feel like I’m carrying a wet blanket around inside my chest. By evening, I was furious at my own face for doing its job so well.