I started taking my wife’s sleeping tablets after she died

Dear Delyara, My wife had prescription sleeping tablets during cancer treatment. After she died, half a box remained. I took one the first night because sleep felt impossible. Then another the next night. That was six months ago. The original tablets are long gone. I told my doctor I have insomnia but did not explain how much I had already been taking. I now have prescriptions from two places and sometimes buy extras online. I take them early because being unconscious feels easier than moving through the hours when my wife would have been beside me. Last week, my daughter called at eight-thirty. I answered and apparently had a whole conversation I do not remember. The next day, she thanked me for advice about her relationship. I panicked and asked what I had said. She laughed, thinking I was joking. I am becoming an unreliable father in secret. Everyone thinks I am coping because I go to work, pay bills, keep the house tidy. They do not know I am shortening evenings chemically because grief becomes loudest after dark.