I stay in friendships long after they stop feeling kind

Dear Delyara, I think loyal people suffer differently. If someone is cruel in a clear enough way, at least the pain has shape. You can point to it. You can say, this happened, and because it happened, I had to step back. But when a friendship slowly becomes less safe, less equal, less warm, that is harder to admit. There is no big scene. Just a gradual feeling in the body. I notice I edit myself more. I feel relief when plans get cancelled. I hesitate before replying. I leave conversations feeling smaller, flatter, less cared for than I did before they began. And still I stay. Partly because of history. Partly because I know what they’ve been through. Partly because I don’t want to be the person who “gives up” on people. Partly because ending a friendship feels less socially legitimate than ending a romance, even when the emotional damage is real. The truth is, I have been keeping some relationships alive out of guilt, not joy. And that is a hard thing to confess, because it makes me feel unkind. But what is unkind too is how often I have abandoned my own nervous system to stay loyal to people who no longer feel safe to it.