I still apologize where I should simply exist

Dear Delyara, I am beginning to understand how much of my past still lives in my reflexes. Not always in memories. In reactions. The speed of my apology. The way I soften my opinions. The way I ask for less than I need. The way I assume I may already be too much before anyone has actually said so. Those things are not random. They come from somewhere. And while I am learning not to blame myself for them, I still grieve how much of me was shaped around adaptation instead of ease.