I still assume I will be blamed before I assume I will be understood

Dear Delyara, That expectation sits close to the surface in me. A slow reply. A serious email. A changed tone. Someone looking disappointed. Before I’ve even gathered enough information, my whole system has already begun preparing an explanation. Softening the truth. Pre-emptively shrinking. Getting ready to absorb the blow before it has even fully formed. I know where that comes from. I’m just tired of how much present life it still consumes. It makes ordinary interactions cost more than they should. And it leaves me living one step ahead of criticism that may not even be coming this time.