I still assume I will be blamed faster than I assume I will be understood

Dear Delyara, A changed tone. A delayed reply. A serious face. And immediately some old part of me begins organising itself around defence. Explaining. Softening. Pre-apologising. Making myself easier to forgive before anyone has even accused me of anything. I know where it comes from. I just hate how much present life it still steals from me. It means I am never fully in the moment when something uncertain happens. Part of me is already living in the punishment that may not even come, responding to history faster than to reality. That is exhausting on the nervous system and humiliating in the aftermath. I want to trust kindness faster than fear. I’m not there yet.