I Still Become Careful Too Fast

Dear Delyara, Not always big reactions. Sometimes just the speed of shrinking. The fast politeness. The immediate emotional editing. The body rearranging itself around somebody else’s possible mood before I have even consciously decided whether the room is unsafe or merely familiar in the wrong way. I hate that speed. I hate how invisible it looks. I hate that from the outside it can pass as grace, maturity, or patience when what it really is is old fear working very efficiently behind the scenes. My body has memory I did not choose. That is one of the hardest things to carry with dignity.