I still become polite before I become honest

Dear Delyara, I arrive with the edited version first. The agreeable one. The easy one. The one least likely to create friction or misinterpretation or disappointment. Then, if the room proves safe enough, maybe the more real version of me gets to enter later. Too often, later never comes. That is what makes some family contact so lonely for me. It doesn’t always hurt because of what is said. Sometimes it hurts because of what I can feel myself withholding in order to remain easy to have around. Politeness is not the same as safety. I keep learning that and still repeating the old choreography anyway.