I still confuse peace with avoidance when I choose it too early

Dear Delyara, If I soften too soon, some part of me still mistrusts it. It asks whether I’m dodging responsibility, escaping discomfort, becoming lazy under the name of self-care. I hate how suspicious I still am of peace when it arrives before I’ve exhausted myself enough to morally deserve it. I want peace to stop needing a defense attorney in my head. That is the work now.