I still expect blame before I expect understanding

Dear Delyara, A room changes. A tone shifts. Someone sounds off. And before I have enough information, some old part of me is already preparing to explain, soften, defend, or apologise. It’s as if my system still believes blame is the most likely outcome and understanding must be earned. That is such a tiring inheritance. It means ordinary conversations can become emotionally expensive before anything is even actually wrong. It means my body often treats ambiguity like danger, and my words get shaped around preventing impact rather than telling the truth cleanly. I’m tired of living one step ahead of criticism that hasn’t even arrived yet.