I still expect to be judged more quickly than I expect to be held

Dear Delyara, A room changes and my nervous system moves toward defence before comfort. Someone sounds a little colder than usual and my body starts preparing for the bad version before reality has even had a chance to arrive properly. It is exhausting to always have one foot already in the explanation. I don’t think people understand how much old hurt reshapes ordinary life. It doesn’t always look like flashbacks or breakdowns. Sometimes it looks like a woman talking too carefully in a perfectly normal room because some old part of her still thinks judgment arrives faster than understanding. I’m tired of living one step ahead of rejection that may not even be coming.