I still experience basic self-kindness as something that needs defending

Dear Delyara, That realization hurts. If I rest earlier, I justify it. If I say no, I explain it. If I choose the easier route, I build a case for why it was necessary. If I need distance, I internally write an argument for why I’m still a good person despite wanting less access. That means some part of me still doesn’t believe self-kindness can arrive without prosecution. And that is such a painful way to live inside your own life. I want to change that. But I can still feel how old the courtroom is.